Натали: искусство жить

Надя Бирру

Роман повествует о непростом и в то же время удивительном периоде жизни женщины: новая любовь, смена обстоятельств, страны, рода дятельности и окружения. Мир чувств и эмоций, размышлений и состояний… Жизнь глазами женщины, при этом женщины не совсем обыкновенной… или совсем необыкновенной, как на чей взгляд. На страницах этой книги читателю приоткрывается таинственная жизнь творческой души… Роман можно отнести к жанру экзистенциальной прозы.

© Надя Бирру, 2021

ISBN 978-5-0053-3666-8

Создано в интеллектуальной издательской системе Ridero

НАТАЛИ

ИСКУССТВО ЖИТЬ

роман

ПРОЛОГ

It’s dangerous

it’s so out of line

To try and turn back…

TIME

Они сидели вдвоём на своём острове, на берегу океана, она была задумчивой, почти грустной, и он спросил:

— Ты хочешь поиграть?

— Да! — тут же откликнулась она.

Он с трудом сдержал улыбку.

— Но в этой игре всегда есть риск. Мы можем потерять друг друга.

— Но ведь всё равно потом однажды мы встретимся.

— Да, мы встретимся. Но не забывай, что там существует время.

— Я знаю.

— Ты хочешь испытать мою любовь?

— И свою… я не умею любить по-земному.

— Не умеешь? — он улыбнулся. — Хорошо. Я тебя научу. Мы вместе сочиним и сыграем эту историю.

— Это будет весело? — спросила она, заглядывая в его глаза и стараясь увидеть в них то, что видит он.

— Посмотрим, — ответил он задумчиво.

Они нырнули в воду, погружаясь всё глубже и глубже, стараясь держаться вместе, он отстал совсем немного… но когда они прибыли, между ними была разница в шестнадцать лет…

«Я никогда никуда не опаздываю. Я прихожу — и шоу начинается»

Натали

Было без четверти семь.

Суббота, за которой начиналось воскресенье. Удивительное. Как и жизнь вообще.

Мы не умеем ценить время. Мы его почти не замечаем или не придаём ему должного значения, тогда как время — одно из основных измерений жизни. Удивительной жизни. Об этом и вся история.

Была суббота, вдали, на соборе, мощно звонил колокол, а в саду царила тишина… Пели птицы, шумел ветер, цвели розы. Розы этим летом цвели просто как сумасшедшие. Так не бывает! Но в жизни нередко бывает так, как не бывает вообще, и об этом история тоже.

Köln, Germany, 07.10.201*Hi, my dear!

Instead of dairy… no English correction, difficult without Vladimir, I don‘t know all these things, how and what to do. Still have no internet at home, missing my friends. Thanks God don’t miss you anymore. Don’t even know how it happened and what does it really mean. Today wrote to you: «We lost connection, Adnan, so I don’t worry about anything anymore» and you immediately answered me: «right». So my desire to stop for a while or to stop completely comes true. Just we will see. I think there is going to be something…

That’s why I think we had all this time before, we were together, and we outlived many different events together. So now we will see. Or we lost our connection completely (and the thought doesn’t give me such pain as before), or it will continue in some new way, as I think and want to believe.

However I know: my silence, comfort and peace is not forever. I can enjoy it as long as you stay in peace. As soon as you start to worry, I’ll feel the same. And I think you know it as well. So we will see…

But thanks God for everything! This prayer yesterday in Dom cathedral helped me a lot! Oh, my Lord, my dear dear Lord, my the only true love, thank YOU!!!

Interesting when I lived in Tallinn I also wanted enjoy the same way of life in a big beautiful ancient city, but felt tired and sad. And now I feel myself as I wanted to feel that time…

Now sometimes I imagine how we live here somewhere together, as we are preparing breakfast, as we love and enjoy each other after all these difficult lonely years… see, may be one day I’ll show you this letter and you will smile to me.

You also want the baby, Adi! Say no!:)

8.10.201*

Hi!

SITTING at hairdresser-room with Nelly, then we will go together to Mary like always, here only two exceptions: Wednesday and Sunday. It can feel like boring to some other person, but suits perfectly to me.

Hope I will have i-net connection at last. But in general my notebook works rather slowly. May be just not too much power or some extra-programs I really don’t need and don’t use. Vladimir probably can help.

Yesterday evening I walked late, but was interesting to watch night life of the city, so I’d like to find some friends here — for helping with language. Interesting did you write something to me or not? Soon I’ll know. But night was SO hard. And I still dońt know do you have some relation to this or it́s just my problem. In any case Íd like to escape. Yesterday you agreed so easily. The question is: why? But of course you won’t tell me. We still can be in some kind of contact through MY page and through our friends. We have now 6 of them in common. As with nobody else.

If I get i-net connection today, I’ll probably write to Amir…

09.10.201*

Yesterday was a wonderful day!

At first because of Amir. We spoke a lot on facebook and then he saw me on Skype (and I didńt see him, will ask today, why it was so). Then I walked in Kirchhof, saw two very beautiful squirrels there, they wanted to play with me. And evening I spend at home, reading book by Sergey Dovlatov.

Today the weather is fine again.

Adi, you know what: today I miss you again and think it was great when we were together and could write each other every day. And now we would see each other by web-camera… may be you will do something at last, I believe. You cańt be such a fool just to let me go. This Rehman started to visit facebook more often. May be you wanted again to see, what I will do, what I will say to ppl about you. But this time I just keep silent.

Well, we will live and we will see!

By for now, darling. Hahh, kiss you! Hahh, hahh)

12.10.201*

Oh, my favorite date! Hope to be with i-net connection today at last. Waiting for Mary to come. I stayed alone. Nelly is in the hospital with her leg since yesterday evening. Mother called me yesterday and today in the morning as well. I also called to Adnan yesterday and to Vladimir. So…

In the morning I walked a lot. I feel myself very good here and love the city, even dońt know why. While walking I was thinking about you from time to time as if we were together. Today I was not able to use internet yet, didńt answer to you and since dinner you are thinking about me and cause me a problem with your «want». But I hope I can write to you today in the evening, if Mary activates my i-net connection.

Till then bye! I know I may kiss you! And so I do!:)

A message from Kama:

«i was born a warrior…

they gave me a desk to write… haha

my heart has unfinished businesses

and just writing about them

wouldn’t reduce my plight…

I need to rise…:

I need to rise..

I need to rise.

when i am not lazy

i am

too much for this world…:) {Only by the grace of Allah — for a human is weak in reality}

To take on the whole world..

is the only choice left to abide…

Should I sprint?

for i sprang…

I saw death…

i saw blood..

Sky had seen only a few lovers…

God gave me such a heart to fight…

Am i coward…

Who am i?

I probably let myself… take over me!

May be just another experiment gone wrong..? haha

For everyday i wait… to jump

i get mired deep in this world that is less than a swine…»

Destiny comes in silence… the life is not just a book, nobody knows when one «chapter» is almost over and another has just begun…

— Даже если бы я совсем не хотел убивать тебя и причинять тебе зла, это не всегда возможно. Не надо забывать, что мы — неуклюжие материальные существа в этом грубом материальном мире, и раз прикоснувшись, уже не можем в полной мере отвечать за последствия.

— А если не прикасаться…

— Если не прикасаться, то никакого сюжета не будет, и не о чем тебе будет писать твои романы.

Would you like to play babes? Let’s start! I’m here!

[08.10.201* 15:29:32] Amir: Hello! Please add me to your Contact list.

[08.10.201* 15:29:32] Natalie: Natalie B* has shared contact details with Amir M*.

Amir: Hiiii

[08.10.201* 15:29:52] Amir: welcome to my skype

[08.10.201* 15:29:59] *** Call to Amir, no answer.

hiiii lovely

[08.10.201* 15:31:19] *** Call ended ***

Amir: so how’s it going in Germany? call again, your video isn’t working, Natalie, i am sorry, got disconnected, call again

*** Call to Amir, duration 00:59. ***

Natalie: can you see me now? does it work?

Amir: yea, looking gorgeous

Natalie: ok, then bye

Amir: hahahahahah

*** Call ended ***

Amir: why? ok, so how’s it going in Germany? and what job are you going to do?

Natalie: all is fine here, job is rather easy — to help one old lady about the house, the same almost as I did at home, working in Orphanage, my last official work, but here I am paid twice.

Amir: that’s noble. How’s your son? is he with you too?

Natalie: hope he is all right, he stays with his grandparents and I write him daily and also spoke with him on skype yesterday

Amir: that’s nice, it’s hard to stay away from loved ones, i am also planning to visit Germany one day

Natalie: ok, come! I like it here, in Köln, but i didn’t see other places, so also hope to see one day

Amir: right what about seeing all places together? as you are telling you are going to stay there long so i can plan and come

Natalie: strange man, that all I can say!

Amir: hahahahhahaha yea, I am

Natalie: I am not young; I have no intention for any romantic relations, as I told you in the very beginning

Amir: am i proposing you or just asking you to meet and watch Germany, these are two different things, totally opposite

Natalie: may be, may be… it’s just I am not a kid:) how do you imagine this journey together?

Amir: well maybe i like you and want to be a good friend, age doesn’t matter, if i feel i want to be more than friend ever i will tell you because you know me, i am a very fast individual and i can tell you anything but right now you are good friend

Natalie: we will see, I have no objection for good friendship, but then… dońt tell me… I’ve warned you!

Amir: why are you so possessive? life is very beautiful and all men are not same

you should give one chance to yourself to make your life beautiful

Natalie: my life is beautiful… always! and then you have very short memory, mister! didńt I tell you, my heart doesn’t belong to me now

well i think it’s enough for today thank you very much! and bye!

Amir: hahahahhaha that’s very nice: every time you say it’s enough for today and bye, what is this?

Natalie: I want to walk a bit, not only stay at home, and I have my free time only now, after dinner, from 3 to 6.30

Amir: oh ok no problem, will catch you later, take care and enjoy your time

Natalie: thanks! you too

Amir: thanks Natalie, have a great day, bye bye;)

Я немного подумала и поняла, что начать надо совсем с другого места. С кладбища. Обычно на кладбище все истории, так или иначе, заканчиваются, ну, а наша почему-то хочет начаться именно оттуда.

Итак…